Just pondering...

It is official, this week, I am back at church, staring at a monitor, trying to get my mind around the last 16 weeks. I miss my students so much, and then again, waking up with my girls in the morning certainly has its own set of perks. I feel like Iliana has grown and changed so very much. I wonder if it was right to miss her fiorst 18 months of life, and yet, I still know and love her all the same.

I cannot believe the love and support of my husband through all of this. He has had to be Mr. Mom on so many levels, helping around the house with the chores, editing all of my papers, listening to my endless stories and thoughts as an "expert educator". I can see why the ladies love him, thank God, he only has eyes for me! :0)

On my last night of class, we all went out for a celebratory dinner. It was so much fun to wrap things up, and again, it had a bittersweet feeling. I never would have imagined meeting such a unique group of classmates. Shiloh, Erin, Rich, Rob, Maria all people with whom I will remain friends with for a lifetime. We really couldn't come from a more diverse walk of life, and yet, LOVE THEM ALL!

It was really the ride home though, that took on a different life form than I was prepared for. Cheri called to inform me that one of my students had killed herself. She was in my 4th period class, and I had spent COUNTLESS hours tutoring her, meeting with her before and after class, during advisement, on and on... I felt my heart shatter in a thousand tiny pieces. It isn't about me, or my personal loss, it is about the relationship that I formed with my students, and how quickly they can enter and exit our lives.

Her funeral was not a place of healing for me. It was a place and time when the Lord was speaking to me about a generation of individuals who don't see the relevance. I listened to her friends line up and say how much they loved her because she was so random. Random, random, random... the word played out over and over in my mind. Why don't they understand that random is chaos and disorder. It causes fear and confusion. Random is a feeling, perhps a desire, or a trait that is a worldy view. Random causes destruction, and there is only one who wishes to destroy.

I tried to blame it on their body piercings, their multi-colored hair, their dark clothes, dark make-up and lost eyes... But, I was quickly reminded of my two little friends in advisement. I did learn a lot about the world of peircings and blue hair dye from them. I watched their fights, their boyfriends, I encouraged them to become friends again, get their grades up, stop lying to their parents. On the day I left school, I received a letter from one of the girls. She told me about the impact I had on her life, how it was my words that encouraged her to stay in school and try harder, how lost she would have been without my smile each and every day. Nope, it has nothing to do with how a student looks on the outside.

I will pray each day that the Lord reveal only enough to me about the hearts and minds of my students to keep me encouraged, and feverent in prayer for their truth and wisdom. Sitting here at church, working, answering phones... it is certianly one form of serving His almighty kingdom. Getting my hands dirty in the trenches, and using only my example of His love... yep, that is another form of servitude. Which one is better? I guess they are just two different kinds of love!