Just pondering...

It is official, this week, I am back at church, staring at a monitor, trying to get my mind around the last 16 weeks. I miss my students so much, and then again, waking up with my girls in the morning certainly has its own set of perks. I feel like Iliana has grown and changed so very much. I wonder if it was right to miss her fiorst 18 months of life, and yet, I still know and love her all the same.

I cannot believe the love and support of my husband through all of this. He has had to be Mr. Mom on so many levels, helping around the house with the chores, editing all of my papers, listening to my endless stories and thoughts as an "expert educator". I can see why the ladies love him, thank God, he only has eyes for me! :0)

On my last night of class, we all went out for a celebratory dinner. It was so much fun to wrap things up, and again, it had a bittersweet feeling. I never would have imagined meeting such a unique group of classmates. Shiloh, Erin, Rich, Rob, Maria all people with whom I will remain friends with for a lifetime. We really couldn't come from a more diverse walk of life, and yet, LOVE THEM ALL!

It was really the ride home though, that took on a different life form than I was prepared for. Cheri called to inform me that one of my students had killed herself. She was in my 4th period class, and I had spent COUNTLESS hours tutoring her, meeting with her before and after class, during advisement, on and on... I felt my heart shatter in a thousand tiny pieces. It isn't about me, or my personal loss, it is about the relationship that I formed with my students, and how quickly they can enter and exit our lives.

Her funeral was not a place of healing for me. It was a place and time when the Lord was speaking to me about a generation of individuals who don't see the relevance. I listened to her friends line up and say how much they loved her because she was so random. Random, random, random... the word played out over and over in my mind. Why don't they understand that random is chaos and disorder. It causes fear and confusion. Random is a feeling, perhps a desire, or a trait that is a worldy view. Random causes destruction, and there is only one who wishes to destroy.

I tried to blame it on their body piercings, their multi-colored hair, their dark clothes, dark make-up and lost eyes... But, I was quickly reminded of my two little friends in advisement. I did learn a lot about the world of peircings and blue hair dye from them. I watched their fights, their boyfriends, I encouraged them to become friends again, get their grades up, stop lying to their parents. On the day I left school, I received a letter from one of the girls. She told me about the impact I had on her life, how it was my words that encouraged her to stay in school and try harder, how lost she would have been without my smile each and every day. Nope, it has nothing to do with how a student looks on the outside.

I will pray each day that the Lord reveal only enough to me about the hearts and minds of my students to keep me encouraged, and feverent in prayer for their truth and wisdom. Sitting here at church, working, answering phones... it is certianly one form of serving His almighty kingdom. Getting my hands dirty in the trenches, and using only my example of His love... yep, that is another form of servitude. Which one is better? I guess they are just two different kinds of love!

This is What Happens...

I had a very difficult time coming to school this morning. I stayed up really late watching the election. Well, really, I was watching 3A & 3B, county by county, and watching as our great state made some bad choices. At one point, I finally got up, went to bed, prayed for miracles, and fell asleep.

I was so frustrated at the thought that people, real people, people I know, hell, they are even family! these are the people that voted no to my future. For $10 a month, they will have classrooms that are overfull, tests scores that are lower, pera's and school buses disappearing, increased book fees, lower personal time to be with kids, fewer extra-curricular activities... $10 a month. What a joke! These are the individuals who called us to ask for our vote, it would seem that the government paying their salaries is sufficient to ask for, but ponying up to pay for their MULTIPLE kids in public schools, well, ask someone else to write a grant. I mean, it makes sense, in this economy, the businesses should have extra to pay for the local schools, and the schools should require the teachers to write these grants, for their own salaries, in their free time, after they create phenomenal lesson plans, grade papers, answer parent emails, and are held accountable to teach everyone else's children morals and values, while their moms and dads are spending $10 at Starbucks.

I guess we will see what HOPE this future brings... The "Yes we can" and "the greater good for all" sort of flew out the window, when $10 a month was too much to spend on their children's education. Hell, I spent $40k on their kids future, who's the idiot now!?

Okay, I am not an angry person, but today, today, "YES, I AM!"

The Day I Got My Wings...

My 4th period class has been unusually trying since the first day of class. Red (we call him this because he has red hair, and he usually acts like a redneck) strolled in, along with his girlfriend. I remembered red from my observation hours last year, so I knew I had to be tough. He is one of those kids who are smart enough to be bored most of class, so he interferes with everyone else's learning, then aces my tests. Anyway, red is not the point of this story today...
My class has 27 boys, 4 girls. They are a span of individuals, 9th -12th grade, some have IEP's, some are in honors. One kid, he is on an IEP, but naturally, computers are his thing, so he always has the highest grade in the class. He helps other students, but only enough for them to hang themselves, then he goes back, changes his code to actually work, and laughs as they turn in his half finished work. He can write beautiful code, but he can't grade someone else's paper. Again though, this blog is not about him...
On Friday, I assigned the class projects from the lesson I had lectured on the day before, and then gave them a study guide for the next lesson which I will lecture on Monday. Class was about half over, when the Jonas brother (he has brown, curly hair, and big eyes like the one brother) asked me to come over to his desk. I always like when he asks me questions because he challenges me to teach. He gets a kick out of the fact that I do, in fact, know how to write code, without looking at the book. So, naturally, I was going through all of the code possibilities as I walking back to his desk.
Imagine my surprise, when instead, he handed me a piece of paper. In the top right corner it said, "2009 Application: Teacher Recommendation Form". Now I don't know how you do things, but when I was in school, I always went to my favorite teacher to ask for recommendations. I obviously accepted the task, took the paper in my hands, and walked away amazed that I had proof I officially touched his life somehow.
In the class period before, I had cut out a contest for one of my girl athletes to become the next face of Soffe (A cheer brand of clothing). She looked at me like she was in shock, and then, she thanked me for encouraging her and told me that perhaps she would major in Business after all.
The night before, I had gone to a volleyball game. I played volleyball in high school, so I really enjoyed watching it, but that wasn't the reason I went. I went because Red's girlfriend had invited me to go. She was going to sing the national anthem before the varsity game, and she wanted me to know that in spite of her poor taste in men, she was both great at programming and singing.
Three students, three days: When I showed the paper to my cooperating teacher, she said that if I were a pilot, that was the day I had officially received my gold pair of wings.
It amazes me how I can be so tired, often feel defeated, trying to stay above water, and yet, be the happiest and most confident person that I am on the exact path the Lord wants me to be traveling. I guess I did receive my teaching wings on Friday, but chances are, God sent His angels to shine up the ones I can't see and to keep me flying when I have no strength to carry on!

A moment to reflect...

Okay, Shi-town, I know! I haven't had time to post lately. Today, I decided to take a little break and catch up on my fellow bloggers, see how their student teaching was treating them, and take a little mental vacation. I was so encouraged after reading about everyone, that I am now blowing of all the stuff I need to do for my next class period, and I am writing.

One of the dearest people in the world to me sent me her blog today. I believe it was no accident, but I found myself in a moment of reflection. I thought about the people of my childhood that shaped the woman I am today, and you know what, my heart smiled.

I am going to begint he next chapter in the life of Mrs. T. I hope it turns out a bit like the Chronicles of Narnia. I want to go back and explain some of the great stories that make me who I am today.

That crazy Mrs. T has been one busy lady though. Rumor has it her thrown is in fact larger in the kingdom of heaven, she has been navigating the life of the teenage girl through the eyes of a JV Poms coach. Yikes!

If you can't say anything nice...

That about sums up my day today.

At one point, I hid in my bathroom and cried for a time. When my girls found me, they crawled in the door, sat down in my lap and hugged me, laughed until I too was laughing, and slammed the door on Ernie. It was girl club, and he is no girl! :0)

Thank God for hugs, smiles, and little girls.

The Teacher's Prayer

I ate lunch with the Spicy Latina today. It was nice to spend some quality time together. She always knows when and what to say. Mr. Fix-It is running late, so he asks SL to help out with the kiddos until he arrives. I thought she left, but instead, as I had settled into the routine of highlights, lowlights and overall color, SL walks in. She put a card in my purse, told stories of an animal infultration in her life (that's a story for another day) and quietly exited.

I sat alone in my car, unsealing the gold sticker affixed on the purple envelope. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, she finds the perfect card. A beautiful silver bracelet falls into her lap. It's the words I needed to hear, she is more than a spicy Latina to me, she is my sister.

So, what is left? The bracelet, with the most precious words:

"Lord let me be a teacher of knowledge who will quide our youth and grant them the necessary understanding." Teacher's Prayer

Thank you for believing in the Percolator! You are one smurfy chick... :0)

Justin, I believe you can!

She walked into the hair salon, thinking it was a welcomed break from the fast paced life she had been leading for the last few weeks. It's no mistake that while sitting in church on Sunday she silently hoped that someone would realize she needed their prayers. She was run down, tensions were high, it seemed like even her children could sense that change was eminent and time was short. Wrestling with issues from days before, angry for the loss of sleep, the fear of the futures... She knew she had walked through the door, the last chapter had closed only days before as she packed up her desk, turned off the lights, and smiled as she closed the door behind her.

But tonight, it was supposed to be a welcomed break. A typical lunch with her best friend is always a great way to spend an afternoon. It does seem that her children often occupy more time, leaving less time to hang out with her friends. She's been worried about the spicy Latina lately. Things are changing in her world too, and some days, well, life just gets too busy to take the necessary time to say hello. The nights have been shorter; she's sleeping less and less. Change is all around.
Yet, in walks a vaguely familiar face. He could be just another teenager, but to her, she sees a young man, full of opportunity, brimming with a wide open future. He rattles around his keys; they are on a long shoe string which he wears around his neck. He looked on as the stylist rubbed conditioner into her hair, chit chatting about his future. The young man is starting his senior year. He said he didn't feel like he was going into his senior year, he didn't feel different at all. She calmly looked at the young man and began with her series of questions...

Have you taken your ACT or SAT yet?
      Umm, yeah, I took them last year.
Have you applied for college yet?
      Well, I really don't have to. I am planning on attending ACC for the first two years, that way I can work, and save up money.

The words she hates to hear. He isn't aware of how few students ever actually start college, or finish for that matter. He doesn't see what he will be missing, how much fun he will have, what a wise investment it is to take out money for college. I can't believe it as the words come falling from her mouth. "It will be the BIGGEST mistake of your life." The stylist looks on in awe. I am sure the words stunned them both, and yet, for some reason, her words and her presence resounding through the salon, they stop and listen. She looked at Justin (that's his name, though, in reality, she only knows him as potential) she sat up in her chair, hair wet, face wax marks, and she forgot about everyone around her, except potential.

There are ways to pay for college, there are other 2 year schools, and you have to explore your options. She didn't know how well the Lord was preparing her when she worked for admissions at her university. Time and time and time again though, potential asks for help, and she is there. Watching frightened parents filling out financial aid forms, wondering what their child's future has in store. Then, she gives them a list of the best restaurants where their child will be going to school, and she tells them, after you drop them off at the dorm, go here, and eat this, save your tears for their graduation day. Parents smile, they are calm, they leave her house, but this time, it would seem they have their super hero capes on, ready to take on higher education!

So, what are you interested in?
      I play football and I wrestle. Is it really true there are scholarships for people with blue eyes?

Justin, your eyes are brown, but there are places...

That's the moment. It is her favorite time, the moment when a young person stops thinking they can't and realizes, that in this moment, the possibilities are endless. He sat down, he looked her straight in the eyes, and then, he asked to create the plan.

So, she asks him, where do you go to school? Thank you Father for this day, for this moment... It is no accident that she is teaching in his very school, his academy. She has 16 weeks to seed into his future.

So, you can visit me anytime, my classroom is always a safe haven. Sure, I would be happy to talk with your dad. Stop by my desk. I'd love to keep you on track. I will look for you on the field this football season. What do you know; Mr. Fix-It was quite the wrestler himself. I'm so glad you stopped in today. I look forward to your visit in the next month or so. Really? You'll stop by in the first week? Well, I will have to remember to have candy.

She failed to realize that her student is watching her, conditioning treatment in, her mustache and side burns being waxed off, right there in his presence. And here I wondered if she would be self conscious in the moment of truth. Teachers are born to teach, even in the hair salon. In reality, teachers are born to believe! I think I will follow Mr. Potential for a few more years. What if she made an impact on just one life...? I hope that life belongs to Justin. As he walks away, the conversation is no longer about their lives, but instead, about their hopes and desires for the young man's future.

Two days from now, a new world... Suddenly, it doesn't feel quite as scary. Suddenly, it feels like, well, a world of POTENTIAL.